I just outgrew my environment. Now I’m not talking about my physical environment, although that plays a part too, but I digress. It is an environment of internal limitations. This conception of myself that I must not be able to be or accomplish more than what I see around me, more than what those who’ve spoken over me have believed for me. Yeah, I just outgrew that. I am officially breaking out of this shell, this cocoon, this fallacy. This small thinking. This obstruction in my mind to not make others uncomfortable by being fully who I was formed to be. You see they have the same ability. They have gifts, abilities, but it makes them uncomfortable that I’ve tapped into some of mine. And I’m sitting here thinking, wow, I haven’t tapped into even half of what I can actually do, so I might really want to back myself up if they feel uncomfortable with me at this level. What will they do when I reach that level? I mean just how much rejection can a girl take? But here’s a better question worthy of contemplation. Will I be more abandoned by them and their antics, and their ideals of who I’m suppose to be, their placing me in awkward fitting boxes? Or will I be more abandoned by my own responsibility to myself, to the seeds that lie within me, to the long standing of my legacy, to my namesake, to my children’s identity? Which level of abandonment will mean more… while I lie on my death bed?
In this marker year, in the 15th year, in this year that I look back and wonder what happen to a decade plus, when I look back and reminisce on Y2K like it was yesterday, still emotionally stuck in the unreality that the 90’s were 10 years ago, I question, I wonder, what will I do now? What more will it take? In this year, 2014 I can unequivocally say that I have lost everything so what is the risk in attempting what’s most important? There’s nothing more that can be taken. I stand on this last day of the first 14 years of the new millennium reminding myself that this millennium is no longer new. I can say it is good that I have been afflicted because I have less fear of darkness. I have survived it, that shadow of death that proved itself only to be a shadow. 2012, 2013, 2014 in that order, the most difficult years, and I saw my share of darkness before those years. I still stand with my mind. I stand with my integrity intact. I stand with my morals. I stand with my heart still beating. I stand with my walk with God. The only thing I’m left bewildered by is how some get through times like these without the assurance that their steps are ordered, or that they are not alone even when they are alone. So today I pursue. There will not be another year, another month when I look back and wonder what I did with the time because for the first time I am determined to become.
Psalms 119:71 (Affliction is a’ight.)
May you see all your dreams come to fruition, your doors swing open, and you become all you were born to be in 2015!