Category Archives: Aging

This Valley that Appears to Be Death

this valley that appears to be death

(Found a writing from a way back)….

I was really discouraged. I felt heavy for days.

I reached out to a couple folk who couldn’t or wouldn’t understand.

There’s the mommie thing. I coddled a child who cant currently say I love you back to me. I dissected his needs discerning the difference between toddler defiance and special needs frustration, while my head ached and heart raced. I calmed screeches and screams that he uses for words, while calming the inward anxiety that they bring. We tosseled over each other living in a space not sufficient for two. Stress was high, patience was thin.

Then there were the reminders. I was reminded of a friends betrayal and judgment during my lowest of moments. I was reminded of the one who abandoned his child and left me holding the pieces.

There were questions. I asked for assistance to be told that I make too much money to qualify, this unbalancing act between not ever enough, just over completely destitute.

Then there was the ripping of heart strings. Promises made, but broken. Emotional head games and manipulations. All around me the author of confusion seemingly placing my name on the tongues of many. I was ridiculed and lied on.

Then there was the giving of myself. I was not encouraged by the people that I encouraged.
I was criticized instead of thanked for going out of my way to help.

It all caught up with me, it all began to choke me. It created physical pain throughout every extremity.

I wanted to run away. Far away from here, take a taxi cab and get away fast.

So I sat in a park before having to clock into a job that makes me just as weary as my life and I attempted to focus my thoughts long enough to pray.

Then the Holy Spirit took me to my vision. He reminded me of this thing He gave me to do. He reminded me that once I’m holding my treasure that it wont matter how long it took for me to obtain it. That the spoils would outweigh this weight, this angst that I hold today.

I saw myself with a smile on. I saw myself accomplishing the very things I prayed for. I saw a glimpse of a finish line.

I got encouraged, I got lifted. And not that get happy real quick fake kind of, quickly passing encouragement, but the long lasting power of the why of where I am.

I must continue and not throw up my hands, I cant faint now. I’m too near my goal. So for this valley that appears to be death, you are nothing more than a shadow, and just beyond you is the breaking of day.

Open Doors ~~RIP Ms. Sylvia Penny~~

9000done“What if I gave you diamonds, out of my womb? Would you see the love in that, or ask why not the moon?” Jill Scott penned these words I’m sure after going through an episode of the well known drama The Young, The Restless, and The Ungrateful. But before I go on let me say this, you may want to know this before you read any further. These words will not be for everybody. If you’re a taker the following words wont mean much to you. But if you are one who gives to a fault only to be reminded of what you have not given, if you are one who’s efforts go regularly underappreciated, then these words to you will be golden.
Givers- we come in all sorts of packages, the oldest sibling, the boss, the leader, the caretaker, the mom, those roles where people expect to receive from you, but very seldom show appreciation for you. I have been in this position for as long as my age has been in double digits. What I find consistently is the tendency of growing weary. Not out of just mere fatigue, but from that time and then that; next time that you gave and it wasn’t enough, or you sacrificed to only receive criticism or complaint. That time just passed the last time you were disrespected, disregarded, or dismissed. The promises made and then broken in manners that you could never bring yourself to offer others. That time when you were there for them, and they were no where to be found when it was your turn to receive back.  Yes, I know. Anyone clothed in skin can reach a place of exhaustion and question the purpose of it all. Its these moments when we’re most fragile, those moments when we could become bitter, and just stop giving altogether. You cant tell me that Mother Teresa, Mandela, and Gandhi didn’t reach those moments. But to change such a central part of yourself, to no longer be a giver, would be cutting off your nose to spite our face.
Being a giver is part of who you are. To loose it would be loosing a part of yourself, like loosing a limb. You cannot allow that. The gift of giving gives back to you in ways tangible and intangible. You may not reap where you’ve sown, but you will reap, it’s a must. Never give up on giving.  Make better decisions on who to offer your gifts, yes. Create and set healthy boundaries around yourself, yes. But stop giving, no! You cannot allow selfish, needy, self absorbed,underdeveloped people to change who you are. They are only mere distractions to the beauty within you, to the doors being opened before you because of your gifts, to the blessings you receive just by being you. You have to be present and in full package in order to receive what is coming for you. Your dreams, vision, destiny, purpose are all because you are a giver. Those doors that open because you’ve created paths for others, simply stand and walk through them.

SIDE NOTE:  It’s so funny how things get confirmed. I began writing this entry before I got some sad news. A mentor of mine, a spiritual mom passed away last night. She was an encourager, an uplifter. It’s amazing how she showed up at times and in moments that could only have been prompted by the Holy Spirit. She poured into me at low points, she would reach out to just check in. She was my confirmation of the very principle that I wrote about here, that my giving to others returned to me in great ways, in moments of the most need. She will forever be missed, and I am honored to have known her and been touched by her. Rest in Paradise Ms. Sylvia Penny. Thank you for being a giver and giving me the courage to keep on giving.

ms sylvia1000

Slow Down Girl-i-tosis

For the last 6 weeks or so, just before Christmas, I caught a cold. It came from the daycare heebeegeebees that Caleb brought home one day. I worked on getting him well while I attempted to stay clear of the cooties. By Christmas day however they got me pretty good. Although I continued to push through them though, getting to work daily, while juggling even more responsibilities at home during the holidays while Caleb was on winter break.

ER visit like a boss!

Then the 1st week of January rolled around and it finally happened, I couldn’t get out off bed. Between coughing, chills, night sweats, vomiting, and extreme swings between sleeplessness and insomnia, I could no longer function, I could no longer just push through. I stayed in bed for about 8 daylight hours, revolving around Caleb’s school and daycare hours. I actually needed a good 2 or 3 uninterrupted days, but I was not able to get my flight to the planet where they do that. And in actuality I HAVE NEVER had 8 hours in bed while sick while the sun was in the sky in Caleb’s entire 4.10 years of living. So I took what I could get.

Fast forward to yesterday, it’s now mid-January, I still have a persistent cough, still achy, still on regular meds, all while working and holding down my crazy schedule. But yesterday things went to yet a different level. I woke up with pain starting from the left side of my neck, left ear, and going all the way down my left lung. I made a promise to myself that I would do something about this pain if it remained for 24 hours. Overnight last night the was excruciating, and this morning after getting Caleb on the school bus, I went directly to the ER without passing go or collecting $200. I wrongfully assumed I could get out with a couple prescriptions and still make it to work. I realized this expectation was completely ridiculous as the procedures, tests, meds, and needles flooded into that hospital room.  7.5 hours later  I was released with the prognosis of potential air pockets on my lung due to an unceasing cough. The symptoms of exhaustion staring me right in the face, or I believe the scientific term is known as Slow Down Girl-i-tosis. I was told to take off a couple days from my life, to take my meds, get some rest and drink lots of fluids.

I felt like I was entering the Starship Enterprise inside this thing.
I felt like I was entering the Starship Enterprise inside this thing.

Now here’s the thing, this is going to be a struggle for me even after my hospital visit. The reality of what my life calls for in this present moment is still reality, my responsibilities don’t change because I had pain in my chest. The reality that work missed today could put me in an unemployment line still looms. The missing any of the 3 required appointments that I need to make tomorrow, (yes, 24 hours from being hooked up to machines in an emergency unit), still have to happen. The one at 7:30am with Caleb’s teachers and therapists has been on the books for weeks and has everything to do with the next 2 years of his special needs therapies. And there are still 2 more after work at 4:00 and 6:30 that are mandated. So yeah, this slow down thing will have to come, well… slowly. Here lies the day by day challenges of the single mom, and then there’s the single mom with a special needs child, an altogether different level of struggle.

But taking from my airline industry background, we as mothers, in the face of an emergency have to administer our own oxygen before offering it to the children that depend on us. The reasons why are pretty logical but not ones that we can so easily apply. Mommie has got to get her air so that she can offer air to others.  We have to be around so that we can give our kids their oxygen. So I will remind myself of that regularly until what I know in my head manifests itself in my life.

My first steps will be slow, but the priority is to slow down. For me one of four things must happen daily. If I do just one of these things I’ll be on the right track. Fruit or veges in every meal, 1 quart of water consumed, 1 gym visit, 7-8 hours of sleep a day. I figure the compound effect will take over at some point and I’ll do more and more to take care of myself if I start in small ways. So that’s my commitment and I’m sticking to it… slowly.