Category Archives: CalebCam

Growth and Height

growth and heightI became a suddenly single mom. When I ended my marriage my son was only 11 months old. This ending was not planned, it was swift. It threw us into a tailspin that took years to recover from. In spite of all of our challenges I made an unconscious decision then, that today boggles my mind. I snapped pictures of Caleb constantly. Regardless to what was going on around us and to us, regardless of the overwhelming challenges of that moment, I snapped. Through all of my moving around and trying to find my footing, I did not have that one kitchen wall that I’d always dreamed of. That one wall where I’d measure the height and growth of my children. That place to see how far they’d come.  However I had a phone that had a camera in it, and I  constantly told him to smile through our pain. Sometimes on bus benches, sometimes sleeping on someone else’s couch. I gathered those moments as I’d sat in awe that I’d given birth to this little walking extension of my heart. This being that I thought I’d never have due to my health complications. He was here and I took notice. I would return to the same places again and again, and take pictures of him as he grew. Whatever weather, whatever grief, whatever limitations, I would return to those places. Looking back over the horizons of that dark time, I am amazed at how resilient the spirit is, how full the will to live is. How if you determine to focus on the good in any moment, you will find it. I am overwhelmingly blessed to look into my rearview and see that my darkest days are there and not here. I am awed by how the Lord kept my mind and heart. In great part that keeping was through this little being that I’d birthed, oh how life given returns as life multiplied. He is my reason, Caleb is my reason I continued and didn’t break. For I knew I could not because he needed me not to, and I needed him to need me not to. So I preservered. My life in seasons that center around his growth is now my new measuring stick, my new growth wall. The laboring of the carry, the infancy of the awakening, the stumble in the toddlerdom, and the standing tall with new height. It’s all reflected in him. Oh what joy fills my soul.


Caleb’s Voice


I am having a moment. When you’re dealing with something super challenging, you don’t know what will break you down. I came across this post from one year ago when I shared that the amazingly talented and anointed gospel singer Jonathan McReynolds retweeted my tweet. It was a moment when my son Caleb, who is overly and non-stop active, stopped to listen to him sing. It was a beautiful moment, remembering it now, it still is. But what got me in remembering this time last year is that my baby, my heartbeat, my reason, has not spoken a word since. He is still non-verbal, and actually has not spoken more than 5 words in his lifetime, and not a single word since in 2014. Along with so many challenges while living with Autism, this non-verbal thing is scientifically called Apraxia, which is the inability to speak. Our lives are full, busy, stressful, non-stop, and more challenging than most families. I don’t cry very often at all. I think I’m part too busy to wallow, and part too numb to form tears. I see my child everyday obviously, but it’s days like this that catch me off guard as I catch tears falling from my eyes. I’m a writer and I usually end on an uplifting note, in this moment, all I have is tears. Pray for us please, in the meantime while I’m wiping these tears away, I will continue to be Caleb’s voice. 


wegoinbealright2#TransparentMoment #JustRidiculous #ThisAintNormal It just dawned on me…. THIS AINT NORMAL!! In a moment when my sensory driven, special needs child is climbing all over me and wanting a great amount of attention, right in a moment when I just want to sit quietly in my own thoughts, to get myself together for the day, but neither of us can get what we need in this moment, simply because I am only one person, it’s dawning on me how often these types of moments occur, and how ridiculous this is. He’s not acting out, there’s nothing particularly grand going on, it’s just that I am only one woman and cannot be all he needs me to be in every moment by myself. This thing of raising a child by yourself is so outside of God’s greatest desire for us, or anyone else who has to do it. We live in a country where the multi-generational idea of raising children is strange. We secretly snicker at families who have their mamas and grandmamas and aunties and uncles living under one roof, or in close proximity. We dont really believe that it takes a village to raise a child like they do across the seas, but we dont even know what a functional family looks like either. Add to that I happen to belong to a culture where single motherhood is acceptable and commonplace. So many of us were raised by single moms and although we were constantly in their presence, we never knew the struggle of what this life was until we ourselves lived it. Then it’s just passed on to the next generation as if it’s is a good thing. We dont teach our boys to get married and remain faithful. We dont raise our girls to have children after marriage. And when there is a marriage we will throw a divorce party for you before we come to your bridal shower. All of this is about the breakdown of families and acceptance to dysfunction that we all silently signed up for. My present state is due to a divorce, I am guilty of signing up for a dysfunction too. I am a single mom and I accept that title because I must, but it is NOT NORMAL, IT’S NOT! Even in my single-momdum I should be able to turn to family to help me raise my child, but due to the breakdown of yet another family, this is not an option. But it’s not normal. I shouldnt have to pay someone to give love and affection to my child. The divorce from my husband should not have meant his divorce from fatherhood. Yes I’m having a moment. I appreciate the daily grace I have been given to call myself a #BombSingleMom. I can do it, and I am doing it. But there are moments like this when I stop and give myself permission to say that THIS IS NOT HOW IT SHOULD BE. And I’m not done with my rant because it’s not just about the breakdown of the family, it’s about the breakdown of an entire society. As I am not only a single mom, I am an Autism mom. I must stand for my son’s rights, be his voice, take care of his extreme needs. But this isn’t normal either and I know that all too well. I shouldn’t have to live in a society that poisons children. It is not happenstance that Autism rates multiplied by a thousand in the last 15 years. It is not normal that some type of chemical imbalance either by food, vaccine, or products used for daily living resulted in my child having developmental delays. It’s unbelievable to me really. I have the grace to do it, but I shouldn’t have to. Single motherhood is like walking to school in the snow with no shoes, single motherhood with Autism is like walking to school in the snow with no feet. I dont apologize for my rant, it was my moment. Now that I’ve had it I will get up from my position of frustration, acknowledge that I have my mind, spirit and body still in tact to do all of this and get up and go make lunch. But yeah, this aint normal. None of it is. I know we make fun of folk’s testimonies nowadays, many arent ready for the real of what I overcome everyday, but that’s ok cuz this was for me, not for them. #SorryForTheRunOnSentences #NotSorryForWhatISaidInTheSentences #NotForLikes #JournalingOutLoud #HavingAMoment #ThatFeltGood #ButWeGoinBeAlright