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Juicing Continues- Week 2

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My Motivation!! I started juicing in April of 2012, I weighed 196 pounds. This pic was taken about 6 months later at 140 lbs. It took me 7 weeks to loose 60 pounds!!

Ok so, this week was hard. Some things happened. Some emotional things (see more on that here), and also some practical things. On Sunday the brakes on my car failed while I was driving it. Yeah, I’ll let that sink in. Even though that was a bit of a traumatic experience I found an immediate place of gratitude that this incident did not turn out to be much worse. There could have been some broken bones, or a stay in the hospital, or much worse, like the inability to type this blog because I am no longer on the earth. Or God forbid any of those things happened to my baby boy if he’d been in the car and we were traveling at high speeds. So I dealt with that, am dealing with that. Grateful to the Lord for His protection and His covering.

The one thing I didn’t take into account was how it would affect my juice feasting. This being without my car and all. It being repaired completely stagnated my entire week. Juicing is all about routine, it’s difficult in and of itself to do while juggling a busy life. But when you throw in some major monkey wrench it can be close to impossible.  I have a whole daily plan set up, I need to stay busy at work to keep my mind off of cheese burgers. I have to in a moments notice be able to head to the grocery store when I’m out of kale. I cannot sit on the couch watching Dominoes Pizza commercials. So when you’re stuck in the house instead of on your grind it can become difficult. So I juiced for 2 ½ days instead of my goal of a full 4 days.

But instead of beating myself up that I couldn’t juice on the same level of commitment that I had last week, I did what I could and stuck to a 90% vegetarian diet the rest of the way. I’m happy to say that I maintained the weight that I’d lost last week. And I’m proud to say that this is a new way of being and thinking for me, this not beating myself up. I’m pretty Type A Personality, and if I can’t go all in, then dagnambit I’m not going to do it all. But the way my life is currently set up, that is no longer realistic to getting anything done. If I’ve got to do this whole reconfiguration of my health and body at a snail’s pace, then so be it, it will still get done. Onward and upward!! (Onward to good health, that scale aint climbing no where near upward! lol)

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Juicing Continues!! The Mean Green is the business! (Kale, celery, Fuji apples, ginger, lemon) Yum!!
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Soooo good!!
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One of my vegetarian meals. I couldn’t believe how delicious something so simple was. Green, yellow and red bell peppers, seasoning salt, seared in a skillet. It was so good I was moaning!

 

Happy Single Mother to Child of Deadbeat Father’s Day

Calebsleepsfinal

So let me be clear. I am not a man. I never have been one, and by the looks of how these things work, I probably will never be one. One thing I do know for sure however, my son’s father is ghost. He is out. He is totally and completely absent. I have not heard a word from him since May of 2015, and that was a year after he stopped paying a cent of child support.

He does not call to check on his son, he does not ask how he is doing, he does not inquire, he does not send a text, telegram or message pigeon. How could he do that?  There are questions that I had years ago that I now have answers to, this is not one of those questions. After being born into a marriage, and being planned for, I do not understand how a man denies his child. Part of me has lost interest in trying to understand.

I am very clear that I cannot be a father to my son. I cannot teach him how to be a man. I do not fully know the challenges and conundrums of what it is to be born male. But I along with so many single mothers are caught in this target practice of still needing to fulfill dual roles, regardless of our inability to do so completely. And the shaming of women who have this insurmountable task, who cry out for acknowledgement of this insurmountable task on a painful day of reminder like today, is to me one of the sure ways that we live in the last days, where love in action is condemned and criticized, instead of applauded and admonished.

Just before tucking my baby boy into bed tonight, I brushed his teeth and rubbed his back, just like good Mommies do. That was just after disciplining him for pushing beyond his boundaries, just like good Daddies do. And tomorrow I will fix his breakfast and his dinner, just like good Mommies do. And I will take out his trash, and put oil in the car he rides in, just like good Daddies do. But not after I work all day, like good Mommies and Daddies do, I have to of course bring home that bacon AND fry it up in a pan. I have continual vertigo as I swing between roles in being all things for my son. No one can ever tell me different. This is real life. This is everyday.

Father’s Day is for fathers, men who are present. I don’t claim this day as my own, but I dare anyone to question my dual roles, beyond holidays, constant juggling act of raising a child that requires at least two people to raise, and maybe five if I’m including my son’s special needs.

So excuse me if today, Father’s Day, is tough for me. Do I claim it as my own day? Not really, they don’t have a Happy Single Mother to Child of Deadbeat Father’s Day. But I do know that each and every day, no matter the fall on the calendar, I play all roles to my son, the feminine and all the masculine I can muster.

So goodnight young prince, with my hand in the Lord’s I will lead you in all the ways within my reach. And I am willing to play as many roles as necessary to do so.   

What Mother Means

ikeep100
(#MothersDay… it is just another day, because #goodmothers deserve so much more than one day of celebration. Today I am nursing a #migraine and as in countless times, I am still #mothering today. What better day to reflect on the real meaning of mother… so I wrote this..)
 
 
Through ailment, weariness, fatigue… non-stop mothering. It only means a microwaved meal as opposed to a cooked one, because the food must make it to the table. That’s what mother means.
 
Today #Autism is still present, and although I need quiet, my son will still pace, spin, and whistle throughout every livable space. That’s what mother means.
 
When sleep is fleeting and my child’s energy overtakes the need to rest, I still rise to the challenges of the day. That’s what mother means.
 
In my regular efforts in prevention, preventing colds, preventing accidents, preventing injuries, this overwhelming need for safety is not license to deny my child hugs and kisses. That’s what mother means.
 
And while I stretch my resources to cover mountains of responsibilities,
 
After I maintain the car and take out the trash- those chores I despise, off to work I must go, barging through all manners of sexism and racism.
 
I complete menial tasks with dishes and laundry, when my feet ache and my mind is spinning. That’s what mother means.
 
I am mother. I am single mother. I am special needs mother. I’m kinda wonderful. And I am unapologetic about that fact.
 
In reflection I was made for this. I nurtured baby dolls, then I nurtured young siblings. Those countless acts unrewarded and made small of.
 
And now I am just as responsible for preparing a healthy meal for my son, as I am preparing a healthy heart for my son. I cannot allow the cold ways of the world to take stock in me. I cannot allow the muteness of those who saw my pain and walked away anyway, to deposit bitterness into my pores. As I will give to my young what I allow to live in me.
 
So I listen and I act.
I keep Jill’s word close.
I Keep…
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
Keep on dreaming, keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep smiling when I come thru …and I cry when I need to.
 
And
I keep being grateful… knowing that while I am alone, I am not alone. With the Lord I am never abandoned… not ever.
 
I keep seeing what has been placed before me and in my hands. I see the talent I possess to go to a higher place. I see those who have given of themselves to my son and to me.
 
I keep my hope. As long as it is alive, I will remain that way.
I keep my peace. I forgive those guilty of mistreatment so that they have no residence in my future.
I keep my health. Treating body as temple is sacred work.
I keep my creativity. To create is how I am most like God, and how I teach my child to become.
I keep fighting for and against Autism. Balancing the need for accepting my son’s present state, with anticipating the growth that is to come that I have not yet seen.
 
I keep being mother. This most divine title and role is my gift, that which gives and receives simultaneously. From which all life springs and sprouts, today and into continuum. That is what mother means.
 
#HappyMothersDay
#JillScott
#IKeep
#AutismAwareness