I came through an emotionally up and down marriage that ended quickly in a whirlwind of abuse. Walking away from someone with a porn addiction who would in one moment be warm and the next be hurling me across furniture, I removed me and my baby from that, but not easily.
The 4th of July is tough for me because it was my wedding anniversary. I wrote this in 2013 on this day, which would have been my 5th anniversary, instead I was going through a divorce. I was very down that day, until I wrote this…
In a Moment~
This day was the day.
That 4th day in July was intended to be sparks not just for skies but for our rise.
The beginning of this place, this case of Love Jones as I looked into deep eyes that gazed back in love.
We walked beach sand, no audience only the wedding bands.
God before us and within, unbelievable that this day had finally come.
Unbelievable that finally… one.
Apart for a time and now at it again, future ahead. Keys, steering wheel, now license in hand. New life began.
One apartment then two, then another, then again. I justify as my security continues to be packed up in boxes.
Unpacking packages unforeseen. Those without bows. The put downs, the screams, the curses. Your gifts would not be welcomed at parties.
Love poems and verses, smiles and charm followed up those moments of cruelty. Only for hostility to return.
No longer distinguishing the laugh lines between the tear lines on my face, I internally bled. Forming clots sitting in feminine cavities intended to nurture babies.
Instead those inward parts nurtured pain.
This up and down love.
The kind that buckles you in tightly for a welcomed enjoyable ride, only to bring you to the end of a stifling coaster drop.
As I stood by, supported, enlightened, encouraged. Stewing pots over stoves while creating homestead for your budding spirit, I stood by.
Our moments of laughter were continually stifled by your sprinkling of candy coated cruelty.
Pain running so deep that I begin to eat emotions on 2am dishes that became friends.
You had friends too, those on screens.
You pointed and clicked your way to intimacy as I lay in rooms… alone.
Later ultimatum made, line drawn in the sand, I needing, deserving more, wanting you to explore.
The man you were created to be, seemed to push you over some edge.
Attempting to birth and to resurrect, God saw it fit for my man child to come into being to deposit His presence.
Birthing my reflection back to me, this gift.
This showing that something in my life was good.
Now cruelty to new heights.
Misery and sadness already in my nap sack as you began to attack the very fabric of my being.
Crushed esteemed coupled my broken spirit as names flew out of your mouth like birds heading south in winter.
Only topped with deceit and cover ups from the one who hid nothing from you.
Standing in your corner yet abandoned.
One day pushed beyond, back against a wall, head stinging as it is barreled into it.
What did you do in a moment?
My threats to leave becoming realized….in a moment.
A promise to my child must be realized… in a moment.
He would not be subjected to swings and tussles as his mama had as a child.
He would not have his being formed in hostility.
I had to end this… in that moment.
You feeling no remorse, just blame.
Attacks continue, I spiral.
While holding on to fleeting winds, attempting to get a grasp to my well being while making formula bottles.
Cradling baby while heart breaking.
You put futures in jeopardy for the rage of… a moment.
Your present day priorities in peril.
You choose to keep peace in your present while the family you created suffers.
Beyond comprehension or reason.
Now another getting the benefit of snippets of the revelation in the error of your ways.
Contemplation eases none.
However knowing that your insensitivities keeps you the most imprisoned.
With ounces of hope I must maintain.
Holding onto to self is upholding son.
Giving myself oxygen so that he may breath.
I stand in the gap as my Lord rearranges pieces.
Not leaving me alone He will redeem… and repay.
I pray you come to recompense in full so that He does not have to for you.
Through anguish I sit thankful, knowing my child could have come no other way.
God saw fit to give me eternal gifts as temporary came to an end.
Teaching me boundaries, showing me what I don’t want or deserve, you gave gifts.
Unwrapped and unwarranted, yet gifts.
The knowledge that my worth is far greater than someone occupying my space without making appropriate deposit. My beauty reaching far deeper than doe-like eyes, but sitting in the seasoning of my wisdom and ability.
My facility to make environments into homes.
My aptitude to clear blurred vision.
My dexterity to bounce back and stronger.
My propensity to redefine brokenness into resurrection.
To be a beacon for women lost.
Not succumbing to low self description in big booties and bling.
Walking breathing truth of Overcomer.
Grateful for awakening.
Not in full but in process of forgiving.
Not pardoning or welcoming you back to my table of plenty, but releasing so that bounty can be viewed and enjoyed.
I’m letting it go.
Abandoning brokenness as to not corrupt love waiting for me.
My ounces of hope make space for banquets of it.
Newness breaks like cracks of sunrise over horizon, causing pain to fade in gleaming warmth of rays.
Standing in integrity, and character, relying on my tangible and viable link to the Champion standing beside. This Jesus is real… in this moment.
All will come to reason… in a moment.
The difference between my past and my future…. is a moment.
To be rewarded by what awaits me… in just a moment.
My tears being counted one by one, will be given recompense beyond this present suffering….in just a moment.
Befalling upon me like tidal waves upon coastal shores, this will happen… in that moment.
Brightest days are yet ahead, they will outweigh the greys of…. this moment.
And I will look back and barely remember the pain of… this moment.