Category Archives: Relationship with God

This Valley that Appears to Be Death

this valley that appears to be death

(Found a writing from a way back)….

I was really discouraged. I felt heavy for days.

I reached out to a couple folk who couldn’t or wouldn’t understand.

There’s the mommie thing. I coddled a child who cant currently say I love you back to me. I dissected his needs discerning the difference between toddler defiance and special needs frustration, while my head ached and heart raced. I calmed screeches and screams that he uses for words, while calming the inward anxiety that they bring. We tosseled over each other living in a space not sufficient for two. Stress was high, patience was thin.

Then there were the reminders. I was reminded of a friends betrayal and judgment during my lowest of moments. I was reminded of the one who abandoned his child and left me holding the pieces.

There were questions. I asked for assistance to be told that I make too much money to qualify, this unbalancing act between not ever enough, just over completely destitute.

Then there was the ripping of heart strings. Promises made, but broken. Emotional head games and manipulations. All around me the author of confusion seemingly placing my name on the tongues of many. I was ridiculed and lied on.

Then there was the giving of myself. I was not encouraged by the people that I encouraged.
I was criticized instead of thanked for going out of my way to help.

It all caught up with me, it all began to choke me. It created physical pain throughout every extremity.

I wanted to run away. Far away from here, take a taxi cab and get away fast.

So I sat in a park before having to clock into a job that makes me just as weary as my life and I attempted to focus my thoughts long enough to pray.

Then the Holy Spirit took me to my vision. He reminded me of this thing He gave me to do. He reminded me that once I’m holding my treasure that it wont matter how long it took for me to obtain it. That the spoils would outweigh this weight, this angst that I hold today.

I saw myself with a smile on. I saw myself accomplishing the very things I prayed for. I saw a glimpse of a finish line.

I got encouraged, I got lifted. And not that get happy real quick fake kind of, quickly passing encouragement, but the long lasting power of the why of where I am.

I must continue and not throw up my hands, I cant faint now. I’m too near my goal. So for this valley that appears to be death, you are nothing more than a shadow, and just beyond you is the breaking of day.
#ImOnlyPassingThrough
#OhWhatJoyComethInMySoul

What Mother Means

ikeep100
(#MothersDay… it is just another day, because #goodmothers deserve so much more than one day of celebration. Today I am nursing a #migraine and as in countless times, I am still #mothering today. What better day to reflect on the real meaning of mother… so I wrote this..)
 
 
Through ailment, weariness, fatigue… non-stop mothering. It only means a microwaved meal as opposed to a cooked one, because the food must make it to the table. That’s what mother means.
 
Today #Autism is still present, and although I need quiet, my son will still pace, spin, and whistle throughout every livable space. That’s what mother means.
 
When sleep is fleeting and my child’s energy overtakes the need to rest, I still rise to the challenges of the day. That’s what mother means.
 
In my regular efforts in prevention, preventing colds, preventing accidents, preventing injuries, this overwhelming need for safety is not license to deny my child hugs and kisses. That’s what mother means.
 
And while I stretch my resources to cover mountains of responsibilities,
 
After I maintain the car and take out the trash- those chores I despise, off to work I must go, barging through all manners of sexism and racism.
 
I complete menial tasks with dishes and laundry, when my feet ache and my mind is spinning. That’s what mother means.
 
I am mother. I am single mother. I am special needs mother. I’m kinda wonderful. And I am unapologetic about that fact.
 
In reflection I was made for this. I nurtured baby dolls, then I nurtured young siblings. Those countless acts unrewarded and made small of.
 
And now I am just as responsible for preparing a healthy meal for my son, as I am preparing a healthy heart for my son. I cannot allow the cold ways of the world to take stock in me. I cannot allow the muteness of those who saw my pain and walked away anyway, to deposit bitterness into my pores. As I will give to my young what I allow to live in me.
 
So I listen and I act.
I keep Jill’s word close.
I Keep…
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
Keep on dreaming, keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep smiling when I come thru …and I cry when I need to.
 
And
I keep being grateful… knowing that while I am alone, I am not alone. With the Lord I am never abandoned… not ever.
 
I keep seeing what has been placed before me and in my hands. I see the talent I possess to go to a higher place. I see those who have given of themselves to my son and to me.
 
I keep my hope. As long as it is alive, I will remain that way.
I keep my peace. I forgive those guilty of mistreatment so that they have no residence in my future.
I keep my health. Treating body as temple is sacred work.
I keep my creativity. To create is how I am most like God, and how I teach my child to become.
I keep fighting for and against Autism. Balancing the need for accepting my son’s present state, with anticipating the growth that is to come that I have not yet seen.
 
I keep being mother. This most divine title and role is my gift, that which gives and receives simultaneously. From which all life springs and sprouts, today and into continuum. That is what mother means.
 
#HappyMothersDay
#JillScott
#IKeep
#AutismAwareness

Thrust in the Fire

Five years ago today I almost burned my kitchen down. I was cooking shrimp and asparagus in my Long Beach, California kitchen, then suddenly my range and cabinet were on fire. It’s amazing how quickly this thing grew. After I put the fire out on the stove top, something told me to open up the top cabinet. I’m very clear what that “something” was, no one but the Holy Spirit would have given me that nudge. All in a matter of seconds the fire grew inside the cabinet, it caught my oil bottle on fire, and began to quickly grow up the fan pipes above the stove. Another five minutes the entire internal wall would have been ablaze, then the whole kitchen, then the whole condo.

As the fire department arrived I stood outside with a 1 year old Caleb on my hip shaking from what could have happened. This was a very strange time in life for me as I’d been separated from my husband for only about 3 weeks.  I called him to tell him what had happened. I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked to receive a very casual unconcerned response from him but I was shocked nonetheless. You would think that I called about a paper cut and not that his son and wife were just in a situation that could have risked life and limb. He is now my ex-husband.

I was thrust into the fire so to speak that day.  I knew that my marriage was over, but I did not know that I would no longer have a father for my son, this day was the first sign to this reality. As the fire department used heavy machines to push the smoke smell from my home, and I wiped down heavy soot from ceiling and cabinets, I was taking the first steps to heavy heart cleaning as well.

Two things I took from this experience.  1.) Do not store your oil or grease above your stove and oven.  2.) No matter what is on fire in my life, I can overcome it.

Fires are messy and unexpected when they happen. But in the end they leave room for new growth and they tend to form diamonds. I’m just sayin.