I became a suddenly single mom. When I ended my marriage my son was only 11 months old. This ending was not planned, it was swift. It threw us into a tailspin that took years to recover from. In spite of all of our challenges I made an unconscious decision then, that today boggles my mind. I snapped pictures of Caleb constantly. Regardless to what was going on around us and to us, regardless of the overwhelming challenges of that moment, I snapped. Through all of my moving around and trying to find my footing, I did not have that one kitchen wall that I’d always dreamed of. That one wall where I’d measure the height and growth of my children. That place to see how far they’d come. However I had a phone that had a camera in it, and I constantly told him to smile through our pain. Sometimes on bus benches, sometimes sleeping on someone else’s couch. I gathered those moments as I’d sat in awe that I’d given birth to this little walking extension of my heart. This being that I thought I’d never have due to my health complications. He was here and I took notice. I would return to the same places again and again, and take pictures of him as he grew. Whatever weather, whatever grief, whatever limitations, I would return to those places. Looking back over the horizons of that dark time, I am amazed at how resilient the spirit is, how full the will to live is. How if you determine to focus on the good in any moment, you will find it. I am overwhelmingly blessed to look into my rearview and see that my darkest days are there and not here. I am awed by how the Lord kept my mind and heart. In great part that keeping was through this little being that I’d birthed, oh how life given returns as life multiplied. He is my reason, Caleb is my reason I continued and didn’t break. For I knew I could not because he needed me not to, and I needed him to need me not to. So I preservered. My life in seasons that center around his growth is now my new measuring stick, my new growth wall. The laboring of the carry, the infancy of the awakening, the stumble in the toddlerdom, and the standing tall with new height. It’s all reflected in him. Oh what joy fills my soul.
-The ability to walk away from or adjust one-sided relationships.
-Getting my baby into a fantastic school.
-My hair length goal.
-Returning to a classroom and getting an “A”.
-Being complete in my singleness and the loss of “the lonelies”.
-The beginning of my vegan journey.
-New income potential.
-Tools and support to teach and calm my special needs child.
-A renewed strength, a refocused and optimistic view of my future.
-The belief that I can overcome whatever obstacle is before me.
#TheBestYearIHaveHadInALongTime Not because I didn’t have challenges or pain, not because anything extra spectacular happened. But because God healed some things. Because I have new control over my life. Because I can hope again. Because what I changed or lost in years passed, both things and people that I walked away from long ago, the rewards for those sacrifices are now starting to show up in my life. I am excited about a new year after years and years of being somewhere between numb and depressed. I AM NOT ANYMORE! And if no one ever sees the change, I see it, I am it. And God gets ALL the glory for it! #NewHorizonsAhead #ThankYouJesus
Marsha King-Lane 9/12/50 – 11/13/04
13 years… I can’t believe it’s been 13 years
How can it feel like so long ago and yesterday at the same time? How can I feel so removed from this experience, while it is always so present? How is it that life is so different since then, yet I am so eternally connected to this date? How are the words “my mom died” still so foreign to me, while that reality circumferences my life in every way? Death is the most natural unnatural thing to happen to us in life. It bottles up pain and joy and injects both into moments like a intravenous drip.
I miss you Mommie, now in new ways. Yet I am strong in new ways too, I’m more strong than I knew I was. And this year I celebrate differently, this year I celebrate the woman I’ve become. The woman you birthed, the woman who looks like you. And I know for the first time since you’ve been gone, as I’ve done so much #SelfWork, and I’ve lied steadfast before the Father, that you see me, because you see me through His eyes, and you are proud.
#RIP #RestInPeace #RestInParadise #IMissYouMom #HomeGoingAnniversary #Grieving #Healing