I love his suga! I’m blessed to have an affectionate little boy. Mommie loves you too Caleb!
(Found a writing from a way back)….
I was really discouraged. I felt heavy for days.
I reached out to a couple folk who couldn’t or wouldn’t understand.
There’s the mommie thing. I coddled a child who cant currently say I love you back to me. I dissected his needs discerning the difference between toddler defiance and special needs frustration, while my head ached and heart raced. I calmed screeches and screams that he uses for words, while calming the inward anxiety that they bring. We tosseled over each other living in a space not sufficient for two. Stress was high, patience was thin.
Then there were the reminders. I was reminded of a friends betrayal and judgment during my lowest of moments. I was reminded of the one who abandoned his child and left me holding the pieces.
There were questions. I asked for assistance to be told that I make too much money to qualify, this unbalancing act between not ever enough, just over completely destitute.
Then there was the ripping of heart strings. Promises made, but broken. Emotional head games and manipulations. All around me the author of confusion seemingly placing my name on the tongues of many. I was ridiculed and lied on.
Then there was the giving of myself. I was not encouraged by the people that I encouraged.
I was criticized instead of thanked for going out of my way to help.
It all caught up with me, it all began to choke me. It created physical pain throughout every extremity.
I wanted to run away. Far away from here, take a taxi cab and get away fast.
So I sat in a park before having to clock into a job that makes me just as weary as my life and I attempted to focus my thoughts long enough to pray.
Then the Holy Spirit took me to my vision. He reminded me of this thing He gave me to do. He reminded me that once I’m holding my treasure that it wont matter how long it took for me to obtain it. That the spoils would outweigh this weight, this angst that I hold today.
I saw myself with a smile on. I saw myself accomplishing the very things I prayed for. I saw a glimpse of a finish line.
I got encouraged, I got lifted. And not that get happy real quick fake kind of, quickly passing encouragement, but the long lasting power of the why of where I am.
I must continue and not throw up my hands, I cant faint now. I’m too near my goal. So for this valley that appears to be death, you are nothing more than a shadow, and just beyond you is the breaking of day.
Five years ago today I almost burned my kitchen down. I was cooking shrimp and asparagus in my Long Beach, California kitchen, then suddenly my range and cabinet were on fire. It’s amazing how quickly this thing grew. After I put the fire out on the stove top, something told me to open up the top cabinet. I’m very clear what that “something” was, no one but the Holy Spirit would have given me that nudge. All in a matter of seconds the fire grew inside the cabinet, it caught my oil bottle on fire, and began to quickly grow up the fan pipes above the stove. Another five minutes the entire internal wall would have been ablaze, then the whole kitchen, then the whole condo.
As the fire department arrived I stood outside with a 1 year old Caleb on my hip shaking from what could have happened. This was a very strange time in life for me as I’d been separated from my husband for only about 3 weeks. I called him to tell him what had happened. I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked to receive a very casual unconcerned response from him but I was shocked nonetheless. You would think that I called about a paper cut and not that his son and wife were just in a situation that could have risked life and limb. He is now my ex-husband.
I was thrust into the fire so to speak that day. I knew that my marriage was over, but I did not know that I would no longer have a father for my son, this day was the first sign to this reality. As the fire department used heavy machines to push the smoke smell from my home, and I wiped down heavy soot from ceiling and cabinets, I was taking the first steps to heavy heart cleaning as well.
Two things I took from this experience. 1.) Do not store your oil or grease above your stove and oven. 2.) No matter what is on fire in my life, I can overcome it.
Fires are messy and unexpected when they happen. But in the end they leave room for new growth and they tend to form diamonds. I’m just sayin.