Tag Archives: Jesus

What Mother Means

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(#MothersDay… it is just another day, because #goodmothers deserve so much more than one day of celebration. Today I am nursing a #migraine and as in countless times, I am still #mothering today. What better day to reflect on the real meaning of mother… so I wrote this..)
 
 
Through ailment, weariness, fatigue… non-stop mothering. It only means a microwaved meal as opposed to a cooked one, because the food must make it to the table. That’s what mother means.
 
Today #Autism is still present, and although I need quiet, my son will still pace, spin, and whistle throughout every livable space. That’s what mother means.
 
When sleep is fleeting and my child’s energy overtakes the need to rest, I still rise to the challenges of the day. That’s what mother means.
 
In my regular efforts in prevention, preventing colds, preventing accidents, preventing injuries, this overwhelming need for safety is not license to deny my child hugs and kisses. That’s what mother means.
 
And while I stretch my resources to cover mountains of responsibilities,
 
After I maintain the car and take out the trash- those chores I despise, off to work I must go, barging through all manners of sexism and racism.
 
I complete menial tasks with dishes and laundry, when my feet ache and my mind is spinning. That’s what mother means.
 
I am mother. I am single mother. I am special needs mother. I’m kinda wonderful. And I am unapologetic about that fact.
 
In reflection I was made for this. I nurtured baby dolls, then I nurtured young siblings. Those countless acts unrewarded and made small of.
 
And now I am just as responsible for preparing a healthy meal for my son, as I am preparing a healthy heart for my son. I cannot allow the cold ways of the world to take stock in me. I cannot allow the muteness of those who saw my pain and walked away anyway, to deposit bitterness into my pores. As I will give to my young what I allow to live in me.
 
So I listen and I act.
I keep Jill’s word close.
I Keep…
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
Keep on dreaming, keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep smiling when I come thru …and I cry when I need to.
 
And
I keep being grateful… knowing that while I am alone, I am not alone. With the Lord I am never abandoned… not ever.
 
I keep seeing what has been placed before me and in my hands. I see the talent I possess to go to a higher place. I see those who have given of themselves to my son and to me.
 
I keep my hope. As long as it is alive, I will remain that way.
I keep my peace. I forgive those guilty of mistreatment so that they have no residence in my future.
I keep my health. Treating body as temple is sacred work.
I keep my creativity. To create is how I am most like God, and how I teach my child to become.
I keep fighting for and against Autism. Balancing the need for accepting my son’s present state, with anticipating the growth that is to come that I have not yet seen.
 
I keep being mother. This most divine title and role is my gift, that which gives and receives simultaneously. From which all life springs and sprouts, today and into continuum. That is what mother means.
 
#HappyMothersDay
#JillScott
#IKeep
#AutismAwareness
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All That Glitters… Is Just Glitter

glitterThis is hitting home for me in the wee hours of the morning, this picture quote shared above.  I needed these words.

I couldn’t sleep much because I was troubled before even attempting to fall asleep last night. You see there was one particular person who was an authority figure over me who treated me horribly for close to two years. Last night I had to sit and shine a light and applaud her while still living in the ever present effects of her mistreatment. I along with several others have fallen victim to her vicious snares and attacks.

Have you ever been there, had to hold your tongue in effort of not exposing truth while standing in a sea of fooled people? In reality this person had loosened up her noose around my neck in recent months, she wasn’t nearly as cruel as when I’d first met her. But that loosening only took place after my standing against her attacks and ultimately winning. That loosening lightening only after her authority was lessened. But this morning I am counting the cost of what such a brutal war has done to my spirit and my soul, to my mind and my body.

This person’s mistreatment has had a lasting effect on me. It took place at the most vulnerable time of my life. When I was spiraling through a whirlwind of chaos, grabbing for stability and comfort. It was moments after a terrible divorce, seconds after my child had been abandoned by his father, while learning that my child had special needs, in the center of homelessness, experiencing failing health, ever yet aching from the untimely death of my mother, and staring the deception of loved ones square in the face. I had no one with skin on. It was only me, my son and Jesus. I was at the lowest point of my life when I turned to an organization as a last resort to help.

It was there where I was met with a level of kick you while you’re down like I’ve never experienced before. There were lies told, not exaggerations but lies. There was sabotage on every side. Constant daggers, constant deceit, constant attacks, unstopping accusation, continual knocks to my integrity, my character, my walk with God, my motherhood, my independence, and the ultimate ever present terror that one of, or all of these twists and killings of truth would ultimately cause me to lose my housing, to lose the roof over my son’s head.

This is where I lived for 2 years. This is what I was forced to swallow as hugs were given to this person causing this pain.

Now I not being one to hold a grudge or to become embittered wished her well, sending her off with a heartfelt scripture. Yet the restlessness ensued as I later recalled all that I had been through. As I mingled with those still under the web of her deceit. All of this seemingly remains hidden, while those who experienced this along with me are afraid to reveal these truths. This is a conflict at the highest of proportions.

In reality this person was at the helm of the greatest hopelessness of my life. This person used control and manipulation to have power over me. And she did it in the name of Jesus. I’ll let that marinate for a moment. That is what you call spiritual abuse, and its venom is the most vicious among all abuse.  I had to fight for the will of live with this woman having power over my son’s and my life. The level of this person’s word play left puddles of confusion on every corner, caused alliances of deceit, created division and dissension that are alive and well today. I have long stopped even attempting to get people to understand or even believe the full scale and true proportion of what I faced, only the Holy Spirit can do that. This onslaught of attack, only those closely in view or those who’ve experienced it themselves can believe. I have come to a place of peace in knowing that this is ok, this knowing that most folk won’t get it, or don’t want to. Ultimately God sees, ultimately He will expose openly.  The quoting of scripture and offering of big smiles fools no one, especially not God.

So I sit now typing in the dark from my bed of unrest now finding rest in the validation of who I am in Christ. In knowing He sees all and that if I just keep going I’ll be rewarded with light for all the darkness I’ve suffered. He whispers to me regularly, He comforts me constantly, He tells me that He sees continually. He showed me again when I came across this picture quote this morning.  The artist Maxwell has always been among my favorites, and his sharing this picture was divine intervention. Above the picture were his words “All that glitters…. Is just glitter. #love.” Thanks for that Maxwell. Words are just words, but how you treat people is the only thing that will last.

Ultimately the person I’m talking about here is not my true enemy. She has only allowed herself to be used by my enemy.  With accusation, confusion and lies, (he being the author of them all), he only uses people as tools who will allow him to do so. Ultimately he does not win, he can never win because weapons formed against me never prosper. This level of attack is only an indication of the judicatory and height that God has for me. I couldn’t be broken. I couldn’t be separated from the love of God. I couldn’t be torn from the Lord that I’ve known for two decades.

I have been stretched in my faith to newer heights as I stare the call to love your enemies in the face. This is what Christ spoke of when He commanded us to love those that scorn us. But let us never forget, He also corrected those who are out of line or turned people away from Him. I won’t be silenced as the presence and stain of false words still abide in the hallways of my life long after they’ve been spoken. This was only attempted murder but I am still living. There was only a shadow of a valley of darkness that could not completely overtake me. I can’t be silenced even as I still sit among those whom I’m not sure are friends or foes. I won’t be silenced.

I know what it is to be powerless, to be without voice. I know the struggle of the widow, the orphan, the foster kid, the abused wife, the abandoned child, the one without a home, the one without family. I know this level of pain, and knowing it has caused me to be a voice for it. And I won’t be silenced. I wont be dropping mics any time soon.

 

1 Corinthians 13. (MSG)
13 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2 If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. 3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Because You Can

blessings

So at some point you have to look at what the storm says about you. When waves, and thunder and rain are crashing in repeatedly on all sides, is this maybe just maybe, a compliment to you?

If the Word says that God will not put on you more than you can bare, and you are baring a lot, then it’s because, well, you can. (Insert image of back cape blowing in the wind.)

I’m looking back. I’m looking back at a storm. The waves are starting to subside, and there are sun rays in my horizon. Some things are coming together and I see blessings. The reality though is there have been more times in the last 4 years than in the 40 years prior that I have questioned if I was going to make it through “this one”. However as raindrops begin to glisten on fresh soil, I can see now that my becoming had to happen this way. Through these raindrops.

Recently I sat in a service where the message was on perseverance. And just before I ran up out that church, (not exactly my favorite subject), the preacher really opened my eyes. He cracked open this meaning to this despised word perseverance. This word that to me always felt unfair.Why do I have to deal with suffering, why do I have to come under attacks that I didn’t deserve, why do I have to reap from what I’d never sown? These were my quiet thoughts, my quiet questions while reading scriptures on trials and tribulations mentioned in the Bible. But now I see. Perseverance is my friend, making the trial itself my friend.

Perseverance-  Per the authority of, Severance through suffering. There are some rewards that you will only get through a trial, through pain, through pushing through. Think of an athlete before the win. Without the pain of athletic training, there can be no medals at the end of the course. Think of a woman in labor. Without the pain of the stretch, the reward of life cannot come forth. The only way we get to the crown is to endure the pain. Thus the pain itself is really working for our good.

Suddenly I got some spiritual cajones to stare my trails in the eyes and have the right to claim my reward at the end of them. Those trials didn’t break me. In the words of Ms. Celie in the Color Purple, “Dear God, I’m here, I’m still here!”  I’m still standing, in my right mind, with my heart in tact, with my integrity in one piece. So attention all trials, all hardship, all pain, all false accusation, all attacks, Imma need to you write me a check. Make it out to Blessings on Blessings on Blessings, because I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.