Tag Archives: Special needs

This Valley that Appears to Be Death

this valley that appears to be death

(Found a writing from a way back)….

I was really discouraged. I felt heavy for days.

I reached out to a couple folk who couldn’t or wouldn’t understand.

There’s the mommie thing. I coddled a child who cant currently say I love you back to me. I dissected his needs discerning the difference between toddler defiance and special needs frustration, while my head ached and heart raced. I calmed screeches and screams that he uses for words, while calming the inward anxiety that they bring. We tosseled over each other living in a space not sufficient for two. Stress was high, patience was thin.

Then there were the reminders. I was reminded of a friends betrayal and judgment during my lowest of moments. I was reminded of the one who abandoned his child and left me holding the pieces.

There were questions. I asked for assistance to be told that I make too much money to qualify, this unbalancing act between not ever enough, just over completely destitute.

Then there was the ripping of heart strings. Promises made, but broken. Emotional head games and manipulations. All around me the author of confusion seemingly placing my name on the tongues of many. I was ridiculed and lied on.

Then there was the giving of myself. I was not encouraged by the people that I encouraged.
I was criticized instead of thanked for going out of my way to help.

It all caught up with me, it all began to choke me. It created physical pain throughout every extremity.

I wanted to run away. Far away from here, take a taxi cab and get away fast.

So I sat in a park before having to clock into a job that makes me just as weary as my life and I attempted to focus my thoughts long enough to pray.

Then the Holy Spirit took me to my vision. He reminded me of this thing He gave me to do. He reminded me that once I’m holding my treasure that it wont matter how long it took for me to obtain it. That the spoils would outweigh this weight, this angst that I hold today.

I saw myself with a smile on. I saw myself accomplishing the very things I prayed for. I saw a glimpse of a finish line.

I got encouraged, I got lifted. And not that get happy real quick fake kind of, quickly passing encouragement, but the long lasting power of the why of where I am.

I must continue and not throw up my hands, I cant faint now. I’m too near my goal. So for this valley that appears to be death, you are nothing more than a shadow, and just beyond you is the breaking of day.
#ImOnlyPassingThrough
#OhWhatJoyComethInMySoul

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What Mother Means

ikeep100
(#MothersDay… it is just another day, because #goodmothers deserve so much more than one day of celebration. Today I am nursing a #migraine and as in countless times, I am still #mothering today. What better day to reflect on the real meaning of mother… so I wrote this..)
 
 
Through ailment, weariness, fatigue… non-stop mothering. It only means a microwaved meal as opposed to a cooked one, because the food must make it to the table. That’s what mother means.
 
Today #Autism is still present, and although I need quiet, my son will still pace, spin, and whistle throughout every livable space. That’s what mother means.
 
When sleep is fleeting and my child’s energy overtakes the need to rest, I still rise to the challenges of the day. That’s what mother means.
 
In my regular efforts in prevention, preventing colds, preventing accidents, preventing injuries, this overwhelming need for safety is not license to deny my child hugs and kisses. That’s what mother means.
 
And while I stretch my resources to cover mountains of responsibilities,
 
After I maintain the car and take out the trash- those chores I despise, off to work I must go, barging through all manners of sexism and racism.
 
I complete menial tasks with dishes and laundry, when my feet ache and my mind is spinning. That’s what mother means.
 
I am mother. I am single mother. I am special needs mother. I’m kinda wonderful. And I am unapologetic about that fact.
 
In reflection I was made for this. I nurtured baby dolls, then I nurtured young siblings. Those countless acts unrewarded and made small of.
 
And now I am just as responsible for preparing a healthy meal for my son, as I am preparing a healthy heart for my son. I cannot allow the cold ways of the world to take stock in me. I cannot allow the muteness of those who saw my pain and walked away anyway, to deposit bitterness into my pores. As I will give to my young what I allow to live in me.
 
So I listen and I act.
I keep Jill’s word close.
I Keep…
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
Keep on dreaming, keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep smiling when I come thru …and I cry when I need to.
 
And
I keep being grateful… knowing that while I am alone, I am not alone. With the Lord I am never abandoned… not ever.
 
I keep seeing what has been placed before me and in my hands. I see the talent I possess to go to a higher place. I see those who have given of themselves to my son and to me.
 
I keep my hope. As long as it is alive, I will remain that way.
I keep my peace. I forgive those guilty of mistreatment so that they have no residence in my future.
I keep my health. Treating body as temple is sacred work.
I keep my creativity. To create is how I am most like God, and how I teach my child to become.
I keep fighting for and against Autism. Balancing the need for accepting my son’s present state, with anticipating the growth that is to come that I have not yet seen.
 
I keep being mother. This most divine title and role is my gift, that which gives and receives simultaneously. From which all life springs and sprouts, today and into continuum. That is what mother means.
 
#HappyMothersDay
#JillScott
#IKeep
#AutismAwareness

Happening Before My Eyes

Cay5

Please join me in giving a very special Happy Birthday to my baby boy, Caleb. He has hit a monumental birthday. It is today that he crosses over from toddlerdum to childhood. Caleb is now 5 years old. I cant really wrap my full brain around this concept, but that day March 25, 2011, was in fact 5 years ago.

The years have gone by and I have become all the more in love with this joy bundle of mine. He is growing inch by inch, precept by precept, abounding, learning, reaching. My feelings for him can only be described as the true definition of love unconditionally.

Caleb, my reason. Happy Birthday Boogie!